just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize