I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
