The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
