dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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