i'm signing you up for texting rehab
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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