just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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