I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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