She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
