so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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