i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
