i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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