just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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