he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
