pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
