We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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