i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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