Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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