he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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