My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
