Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
