I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
