If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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