You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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