My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
