She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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