He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
