You made me cry and you don't even care
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize