it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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