so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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