everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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