our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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