I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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