Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
