I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
You made out with two different species that night
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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