so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
