he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
