Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
