And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
