maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
