I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
