did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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