Cold hands, warm shart.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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