nut hugger
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So vagazzling was a success
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
