Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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