how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
