so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize