Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
