just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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