she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
