I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
