I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
