Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
