I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
