I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
