Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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