I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
