His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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