Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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