Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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