I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize