theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
