haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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