it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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